I’ve already missed a few days since my agreement with myself to post daily. Back at it again.
The last few days have had a downward trajectory in regard to my excitement about little man. I’d really been trying to hype myself up and convince myself that I am excited; seemed to be working but since we dropped big man off at the airport, I feel like I lost all that progress. It seems backwards that I need to force myself to be happy about this – I’ve gone around and around and around in my head as to what the lack of excitement may mean. Still unresolved, not even sure I’ve made any substantial progress. Feels more like just shuffling the mess around to a new spot until I get the urge to “clean” again.
I’m also at a complete loss on my relationship with A. We feel so disconnected and like we’re already just going through the motions. It’s only just now been a year this month and she’s been pregnant for ~6 of them. It feels wrong to say but I just can’t shake the feeling that this pregnancy has had such a negative impact on our relationship. We were in such an infancy stage, learning about one another, introduced big man (rushed implementation) and then – bam. Seems like we haven’t been able to recover since and things are only going to get more chaotic when little man gets here. I don’t know when we’re going to have the time or energy to focus on US. That’s terrifying. I’ve seen the devastation that comes from not focusing on the relationship. We always talk and say that we’re our #1 priority but right now it feels like that’s all it is – talk. I know she’s struggling far more than she leads on. I try to press but I think she feels this need to stay positive because of how much I lack positivity, like she’s trying to overcompensate so I feel excited. She doesn’t realize that it’s doing the opposite; I see how we are now and get sick to my stomach at the thought of things continuing like this for another 18 years. We won’t make it that long.
We’re heading to the beach in a few days, I’m hoping we can reconnect and have some meaningful conversation. It’s been too long. Meaningful doesn’t have to mean “positive” – in fact, I would prefer that it’s not all positive. We need to have real conversation. I want to support her and let her know she’s not alone. I want to talk about what the plan is to reconnect in the midst of the chaos. I want to tell her how overwhelmed I am. With everything.
No better time than a 11-hour drive and week alone at the beach.