Well, it’s only been a cool 363 days since the last post. Almost a year to the day, life’s funny.
It’s been a wildly eventful year. Noah was born. I left Peak (technically a little over a year ago at this point). Full time with SS. Filed for and successfully discharged a Chapter 7 Bankruptcy. Obviously many little things inbetween but those are the largest impact events.
We’ll start with Noah. Jack Jack. My sweet boy. It seems like I blinked and he’ll be one in 10 days. I’ve honestly really been struggling with his upcoming birthday. It’s going too quickly. The old adage about the days being long but the years being short has a completely different meaning. During the pregnancy, basically up til the day he was born, I really struggled with the idea of being a parent. For so many different reasons, too many to get into on this post. Now approaching one year into it, I can’t imagine a life without him. He’s so perfect in every way and the love I feel for him is like nothing I’ve experienced. It’s a journey, no doubt, but I feel like for the first time in my life I have a real purpose. Him and Ayden are the North Star. They’re the reason for everything now. I plan to do a separate series of writings to him. I imagine I’ll share them with him one day but who knows. For now, I’m soaking up every minute of every day with them. Life is good.
The bankruptcy was another big chapter. It was a long time coming and likely should have been done sooner but I had to leave Peak to be able to qualify so I suppose things happen when they’re supposed to. I tormented myself leading up to the decision about what it said about me, put all the societal stigmas and cast all the blame on myself I could. I’m still struggling with the shame and blame but at least now it’s without $100K+ hanging over my head. The process itself was amazingly simple and straightforward. Leading up to the decision, I did an immense amount of research and all roads kept pointing back to – why WOULDN’T I do this? I could have spent the next years clawing my way out, paying minimums, shuffling the debts around to different providers, delaying paying off John. And for what? To maintain some “score” that’s given out by the banks and corporations that want nothing more than to keep us in debt and on the hamster wheel? While these large corporations regularly get bailouts from the federal government (by printing more dollars thus debasing our currency and making it worth less in the process) after they make terrible decisions that affect the rest of us? I’ve been in such a season of unlearning and unsubscribing from basically everything I’ve ever known and this was arguably the most substantive one. The system is a joke. It’s rigged for us to lose and I fell head first into the trap. I had to hit rock bottom first (seems to be a thing with me) but it at least seems like I hit it with my head and it started the process of rewiring everything. Now, I have a clean slate. A weight off my shoulders that I have been carrying for YEARS. I signed a new promissory note with John even though the debt was techncially discharged. I gave him my word I would pay him back and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Now, we just have a few more things to pay off besides him and we’re finally in the clear. Another post for another time in more detail on this.
SS is finally my full time gig and things have been going…okay. With the bankruptcy I kinda had to stall out during the proceedings. Since it’s been fully discharged, I’ve been “all-in” but I’d say more like “half-in”. That’s my largest point of internal contention as I know that it’s the primary vehicle for growing our way to where we want to be but, like always, I have only half-committed. I’ve really been studying trading again but I’m seeing the pattern of it taking over my attention and putting SS on the back burner. A few weeks ago I ran the account up from $500 to around $2400. Lost it all in the course of two days. We refunded the account again and I paid for Ki’s LVL Challenge this week. Went into it with literally the only goal of following my systems and rules. That went well Mon/Tue…by Wednesday I was back on the 0DTE and oversizing. I managed to come out up on Wed/Thu but yesterday was a rough day and I lost 75% of the portfolio. I’m down to $200. My plan is to use it for calculated trades that follow all of my systems but I can no longer sit in front of the charts all day every day. It’s not a proper use of my time and is a disservice to Ayden and the boys. Growing the business is the key to get us where we want to go. I full heartedly believe that trading WILL be a significant boost to help get us there quicker but only if I approach it with disciple and commitment. Regardless, it has to be secondary to SS. All I’ve been playing is basically 0DTE which is simply not the style of trader I set out to be when I started this journey again. I’m finding that my tendency to push the risk to the max is surfacing hard here so I need to get ahead of it now. I’ll keep updating on the trading journey secondarily to SS. It feels good even typing this out, it’s been a weight that I’ve been carrying the last few weeks.
I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself from a financial perspective so when I don’t follow through on my commitments and goals I have in this realm, it really weighs on me. Not only do we have debt we need to pay off (including John which is the last string in closing the only remaining chapter from our pasts) but given the current state of the world, I truly believe we have a shortening window to establish our family in a position of strength for whatever is coming. I don’t know what will actually happen (WW3, AI, dollar collapse, civil war) but I know that I need to do my absolute best to put our family in a position to weather it. Right now, I simply have not done that. Ayden has been carrying far more weight than I want her to. She has not once, EVER complained about it and I know she enjoys being able to contribute but I can only continue to deservedly beat myself up.
I have not given it my all. I have not committed. I have not followed through. I have not planted my fucking flag and said “This is mine and I’m coming to take it”. Well, I’m planting that flag now. Everything I want, everything I want for my family, and everything we have set out to attain will be ours. Nobody will stop me, most importantly myself.
Noah is home sick with me today and he’s waking up now so I’m going to cut this one a little short. But I’ll be back. More consistently. To document this journey off my takeover. No more bullshitting, no more unnecessarily extensive roadmap buildouts and “plans”. Only action. Raw, violent, persistent fucking action.
Watch this.